I am a person who no longer uses alcohol or other drugs. YAY!

That immediately says two things about me.

  1. I am living a life of sobriety. YAY!
  2. I am in recovery.

Recovery from what?

  1. The damage that drinking alcohol did. (Sobriety will undo this. YAY!)
  2. The pre-existing damage to which I applied the use of alcohol. (This needs attention – Not so yay!)

Why did I use alcohol and drugs?

Superficially, to socialize and have fun. However, the root issues lurk in the shadows, just out of sight.

Tricky.

How do I ferret out these gremlins?

I need to get to know myself.

A) Difficult (I have hidden this from me).

B) Scary (I hid it for a reason).

I used alcohol to cover painful and unwanted feelings and bridge the social gap created by my insecurities and fears.

Let’s start here.

As a child, I began moving parts of myself into the dark, unseen shadows, out of sight.

I hid my shame and fear.

My shame of what? I wasn’t a serial killer!

My shame of being weak, unfunny, ugly, stupid, too poor, too tall, out of fashion, cowardly, greedy, selfish, unable to laugh at myself, lonely, bad at sports, unpopular, a failure, awkward, and deeply needy.

My only hope of a life hinged upon keeping my shameful attributes secret or, at least, out of the limelight.

My fear? I would fail at this also, and everyone would see, and I would be found out.

Have you ever noticed how much effort it takes to maintain a single lie?

Living in secret, concealing a million things, is like maintaining a million lies.

It is exhausting.

It is a prison. Bondage. Slavery.

It is horrible and unbearable.

Enter alcohol’s numbing effects as a quick fix!

Here is a bit of scripture with some excellent advice:

“Bring it into the light, and the truth shall set you free.”

Lies endure well when not scrutinized. 

Lies endure well in the darkness.

As I write this and compile the above list of shame, I see it in the light.

I have the opportunity to agree and confirm it – or not.

I do not.

I don’t agree with the list at all!

In this moment, Truth enters the stage, and shame begins to lose its grip on me and, with it, fear.

TOP TIP:

Actively encourage and repeat the truths to myself and get them bedded into my mind, where they belong in the place the lies previously occupied.

Cease living a lie.

Step II:

Let other people get to know me, also.

Stop hiding away.

Don’t be scared.

Take the risk.

Some people will like me, and some won’t.

The ones that don’t – don’t matter. Fuck ’em. That’s on them.

However…

Being me in public is more complex than I initially thought.

  • “Pearls before swine” is another scripture that jumps to mind.
  • Not all people will be interested in my shit – Fair enough.
  • I do not want to reveal my actual weaknesses to real aggressors. 
  • Not all occasions are appropriate for “deep and meaningful.”

TOP TIP:

I need a safe space to share some things.

I am a safe space, and some of the people I do Life with are also.

Then there are groups like my prayer group or AA.

Here is where I have got to regarding sharing me with other people:

Share widely:

  1. WHO I am.
  2. WHAT I feel.

Share carefully in my safe space:

  1. WHY I am.
  2. WHY I feel

Love and peace

Dunc xx