I am a person who no longer uses alcohol or other drugs. YAY!
That immediately says two things about me.
- I am living a life of sobriety. YAY!
- I am in recovery.
Recovery from what?
- The damage that drinking alcohol did. (Sobriety will undo this. YAY!)
- The pre-existing damage to which I applied the use of alcohol. (This needs attention – Not so yay!)
Why did I use alcohol and drugs?
Superficially, to socialize and have fun. However, the root issues lurk in the shadows, just out of sight.
Tricky.
How do I ferret out these gremlins?
I need to get to know myself.
A) Difficult (I have hidden this from me).
B) Scary (I hid it for a reason).
I used alcohol to cover painful and unwanted feelings and bridge the social gap created by my insecurities and fears.
Let’s start here.
As a child, I began moving parts of myself into the dark, unseen shadows, out of sight.
I hid my shame and fear.
My shame of what? I wasn’t a serial killer!
My shame of being weak, unfunny, ugly, stupid, too poor, too tall, out of fashion, cowardly, greedy, selfish, unable to laugh at myself, lonely, bad at sports, unpopular, a failure, awkward, and deeply needy.
My only hope of a life hinged upon keeping my shameful attributes secret or, at least, out of the limelight.
My fear? I would fail at this also, and everyone would see, and I would be found out.
Have you ever noticed how much effort it takes to maintain a single lie?
Living in secret, concealing a million things, is like maintaining a million lies.
It is exhausting.
It is a prison. Bondage. Slavery.
It is horrible and unbearable.
Enter alcohol’s numbing effects as a quick fix!
Here is a bit of scripture with some excellent advice:
“Bring it into the light, and the truth shall set you free.”
Lies endure well when not scrutinized.
Lies endure well in the darkness.
As I write this and compile the above list of shame, I see it in the light.
I have the opportunity to agree and confirm it – or not.
I do not.
I don’t agree with the list at all!
In this moment, Truth enters the stage, and shame begins to lose its grip on me and, with it, fear.
TOP TIP:
Actively encourage and repeat the truths to myself and get them bedded into my mind, where they belong in the place the lies previously occupied.
Cease living a lie.
Step II:
Let other people get to know me, also.
Stop hiding away.
Don’t be scared.
Take the risk.
Some people will like me, and some won’t.
The ones that don’t – don’t matter. Fuck ’em. That’s on them.
However…
Being me in public is more complex than I initially thought.
- “Pearls before swine” is another scripture that jumps to mind.
- Not all people will be interested in my shit – Fair enough.
- I do not want to reveal my actual weaknesses to real aggressors.
- Not all occasions are appropriate for “deep and meaningful.”
TOP TIP:
I need a safe space to share some things.
I am a safe space, and some of the people I do Life with are also.
Then there are groups like my prayer group or AA.
Here is where I have got to regarding sharing me with other people:
Share widely:
- WHO I am.
- WHAT I feel.
Share carefully in my safe space:
- WHY I am.
- WHY I feel
Love and peace
Dunc xx