I have been out of sorts for three days, unsettled and disquieted.

I have craved an excess of something but struggled with how best to scratch that itch. 

A whole packet of chocolate digestives is not very rock ‘n roll.

Has my life become beige? 

WTF is going on?

Worried. Confused. Uncertain.

To understand, I need to back up a little.

I need to revisit the mechanics of my life pre-sobriety.

According to Belle Robertson, over-drinkers like to, as she puts it, juggle knives in the middle of a busy road.

In other words, we like risk.

Before quitting alcohol, my days were a blurry mess of impossible deadlines and endless chores.

An overstuffed diary was my version of knife juggling.

In its way, it represented flirting with danger.

I would plan to cook, wash clothes, work in the office, do gardening, and paint the house simultaneously.

I would shoehorn supermarket shopping, a gym workout, and a client meeting into the same time slot and then agree to collect someone from the station at the last minute.

I would allocate 2 hours for a job that needed 4 hours.

I would be all things to all the people I loved.

I was prolific and received accolades for my endeavours.

I also received mini adrenalin and dopamine hits throughout the day, which lifted me into a natural drug high of my own creation.

I liked high, but too much of a good thing is too much.

I used alcohol as my reward and means of descending from my high status into rest and oblivion. 

The crafty addict within me had cleverly devised a big dipper cycle of ups and downs.

When I quit using alcohol, I had to calm my life down complimentarily.

An essential part of early sobriety was avoiding overwhelm, so I dialed back my activities.

All my focus was on withdrawing from alcohol.

I failed to note that I was simultaneously withdrawing from the adrenalin and dopamine hits.

I continued to receive little lifts throughout the last few months as the novelty and excitement bubbled away in the foreground.

At almost five months, I am now settling into a regular version of my reclaimed life.

Adrenalin and dopamine are no longer my daily companions.

This new life feels very odd compared to its predecessor.

This life requires that I reacclimatize. 

Reacclimatizing feels uncomfortable at times.

I will experiment with meditation and create small goals to achieve while keeping the bar very low.