I have been out of sorts for three days, unsettled and disquieted.
I have craved an excess of something but struggled with how best to scratch that itch.
A whole packet of chocolate digestives is not very rock ‘n roll.
Has my life become beige?
WTF is going on?
Worried. Confused. Uncertain.
To understand, I need to back up a little.
I need to revisit the mechanics of my life pre-sobriety.
According to Belle Robertson, over-drinkers like to, as she puts it, juggle knives in the middle of a busy road.
In other words, we like risk.
Before quitting alcohol, my days were a blurry mess of impossible deadlines and endless chores.
An overstuffed diary was my version of knife juggling.
In its way, it represented flirting with danger.
I would plan to cook, wash clothes, work in the office, do gardening, and paint the house simultaneously.
I would shoehorn supermarket shopping, a gym workout, and a client meeting into the same time slot and then agree to collect someone from the station at the last minute.
I would allocate 2 hours for a job that needed 4 hours.
I would be all things to all the people I loved.
I was prolific and received accolades for my endeavours.
I also received mini adrenalin and dopamine hits throughout the day, which lifted me into a natural drug high of my own creation.
I liked high, but too much of a good thing is too much.
I used alcohol as my reward and means of descending from my high status into rest and oblivion.
The crafty addict within me had cleverly devised a big dipper cycle of ups and downs.
When I quit using alcohol, I had to calm my life down complimentarily.
An essential part of early sobriety was avoiding overwhelm, so I dialed back my activities.
All my focus was on withdrawing from alcohol.
I failed to note that I was simultaneously withdrawing from the adrenalin and dopamine hits.
I continued to receive little lifts throughout the last few months as the novelty and excitement bubbled away in the foreground.
At almost five months, I am now settling into a regular version of my reclaimed life.
Adrenalin and dopamine are no longer my daily companions.
This new life feels very odd compared to its predecessor.
This life requires that I reacclimatize.
Reacclimatizing feels uncomfortable at times.
I will experiment with meditation and create small goals to achieve while keeping the bar very low.