Secret problems!
Some problems hide from view and lurk in the shadows of life.
I call them problems because their negative impact on my life undermines my efforts and intentions.
Much worse, they accomplish this by changing who I understand myself to be and from which pool of resources I can operate out of.
Alcohol, for instance, was a crisis long before I perceived it to be.
I knew I was drinking too much, but I thought there were valid reasons for it and that I was making the decisions and was in control.
No.
I wasn’t.
Then I thought it was just that I was a drinker.
No.
I wasn’t.
There was a problem in the shadows of my awareness, warping my view of things.
I have recently uncovered another secret problem.
Overthinking.
I didn’t see that one coming.
Thinking is an activity that we are encouraged and taught to do from babes.
It is an activity we prize in society, and we adulate those who show themselves to be good at it.
But.
Is too much of a good thing good?
My mind is a maelstrom of constant thoughts.
I think about everything and more.
How can I think of more than everything?
Because I drag in the past and play forward my imagination of the future, both of which do not exist here and now.
I extrapolate ad infinitum.
It’s uncomfortable and exhausting.
Where people are concerned, I notice every detail.
- Every mood change.
- Each shift and movement.
- What is said, how and when.
- What is left unsaid.
I clock it all.
I suspect it is part of a self-protection mechanism I instituted as a child abiding in a world that terrified me.
It may be one of the reasons I turned to the use of drugs and alcohol, in an effort to buy myself some respite, silence and peace.
Problems usually contribute to the emergence of new problems.
In the case of overthinking, my ‘real me’ gets lost.
Me.
Who and what is ‘Me’?
I can tell you what I’m not.
I’m not my thoughts.
My thinking should be a tool, nothing more.
I can pick up a tool to perform a task and then put it down.
I am not my thoughts (So important, I will say it twice).
Thinking is something I do; it isn’t something I am.
When I allow my thoughts to run rampant and unbridled like a rabid mob 24/7 through my mind, they obstruct from view and cover what else is there.
What else is there?
Me.
The real me.
Will the real Duncan please stand up!
Quiet and in the background, I wait, hidden from view like the sun on a cloudy day.
Full of beauty, creative ability, love and gentle awesomeness.
Available but swamped out of the picture by a cacophony of pointless, rubbish and ego-centric thoughts, which I need to cull right back.
This inner me is my spirit, my soul; the divine, created in God’s image and is supposed to be in the driving seat of my life.
My thoughts, ably aided and abetted by popular culture, can take over and advise me to get to, own, have, attain, do etc.
This is poor, ill-informed and incomplete advice.
I need to be before I do.
My thoughts can pollute who I understand myself to be. For example, I recall past failures, humiliations, and words spoken at me. As a result, I falsely conclude that I am shit and that I cannot…
My thoughts are pessimistic and tell me it won’t work, people won’t get it, and it is better not to try.
Smoke and mirrors.
Life-limiting untruths.
I am who I am.
I cannot be more or less.
I am, and that is quite well enough, thank you.
TOP TIP
Meditation. Mindfulness. Fully present.
I am starting to fully see the value of practising these mindsets.
Life changing.
Emancipating.
My thoughts are quieted as I draw myself into the here and now by practicing being fully present.
It’s deliciously beautiful.
I am revealed.
As I rediscover my spirit, I am reconnected with the divine and all things are possible.
Hallelujah!