I’ve not blogged for so long because I have had so many introspections that I needed to figure out where to begin writing!

I am learning so much about who I am and how I function superficially and intrinsically that it is mind-bending.

Surrender is where I have alighted.

Like sobriety, Surrender is a doorway that takes me away from what is not healthy or pleasant and brings me into a landscape full of peace and possibilities.

It is not giving up!

On the contrary, it is a posture that better enables change.

Life brings a constant raft of unwelcome guests to our doors:

Problems, people, scenarios, illness, fears, regrets, obstacles, unfairness, feelings and emotions, traffic jams, work issues, parent/child troubles, cravings, addiction, heartbreak, disappointment etc.

The list is endless.

C’est La Vie!

When one of those unwanted ingredients presents itself in my viewfinder, my immediate reaction is to brace myself.

I take a stance of inner resistance.

My inner dialogue is: “No! No! No! No! F**K No!”

I am readying myself to oppose.

I believe I am doing the wise thing.

I am not.

At this point, two resulting consequences have already taken shape within me:

 

1. Inner resistance = Tension = Pain. Psychological Pain (which transmutes itself into the physical before long). The tension is not comfortable. I do not like it. 

I want to escape it.

2. I am physically and psychologically tense and rigid. A state of being that does not promote mobility and fluid motion. Partially paralysed.

I am ill-equipped for escape.

In the past, I would have reached for an anaesthetic to distract me from the Pain: Social, sex, work, drugs, alcohol, hobbies, exercise.

The problem with this approach is that when I cease the distraction, I return immediately to the problem and its incumbent Pain (and also the extra Pain left in the wake of some of those distractions!)

Life isn’t likely to change.

So I must instead.

I affect my modification when my viewfinder first picks up the intruder.

I change my stance from resistance to acceptance.

It’s real. Why pretend otherwise?

It is what it is.

Yes, it is here; it is happening; I am feeling it; It’s gone; It hurts; I don’t like it;

It is.

I accept that it is.

I surrender my inner resistance to the truth of this moment.

The lack of resistance means an absence of the Pain of resistance.

I am at peace.

I can think.

I can move.

I can operate.

Consequently, my response to the unwanted life ingredient can come from a place of peaceful, considered insight, where my creativity flows from, instead of a violent ill-considered reaction.

My revised response is more likely to affect positive change.

Surrender is a life stance that produces fruit in many of life’s corners.

Surrender accompanies and facilitates presence.

Presence is the biggest game changer of them all.

Sometimes it is about something other than big dynamic WOW POW BING BANG BONG changes. It can elicit subtle leg-ups.

For the last couple of days, I have felt out of sorts. Low. Niggled. Unrequited.

I have not enjoyed the feelings.

I wanted an escape.

I wanted to apply this newfound wisdom to the problem, but I didn’t know what the problem was, so I didn’t know what to surrender to, which compounded my feelings of inner disquiet. 

In the absence of being able to identify and therefore surrender to my underlying problem, I decided to surrender to the feelings themselves.

I stopped.

I breathed.

I acknowledged that they exist.

They are what they are.

I accepted them.

They dissipated.

In their place came an understanding that I was conflicted.

I wasn’t doing what I knew I should be doing.

I wanted to write my blog and post on Instagram, but I needed more confidence or substance to speak adequately about this critical, vast, multi-layered concept.

I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to write a comprehensive piece and that what I put out there would be what it would be, and it would have to be enough.

I also realised that I had been neglecting mindful meditation.

(I want to avoid falling into the trap of reading but not putting into practice what I learn in books.)

As a result of surrendering to my feelings, I have posted a reel, written this blog. 

I will now spend a few minutes investing in my meditation, practising being fully present.

What a turnaround.

(I might add gratitude in there for good measure.)