Here’s the logic trail:

I am looking to make changes to my way of living. 

I need to make different choices.

My choices emanate from my reactions

I need to change my automated responses

I can only fix a problem if I know what it is.

Like a weed, a problem has a visible portion and a root.

I need to unearth and address the root.

I thought only stoned, misguided hippies talked

about energies and vibes.

Negative bias.

I am revising my understanding.

After all, I don’t struggle with the thought of a room

full of people having fab energy, or a person radiating power, allure, fear etc.

We feel vibrations when energy affects and moves its surrounding

environment.

There is no new energy,

just transference between states.

Gravity pulls water, becoming kinetic energy; electrical

plants harness the power of the water (electrical energy); my kettle converts

it to thermal energy; the cup of coffee I make turns it into chemical energy,

which lifts my emotional energy.

My emotions are a form of energy and a source of power.

Emotion = E-Motion = Energy in motion.

My emotions create reactions which give rise to more

emotions and further reactions.

The energy cycle keeps going, revealing itself in my

decisions and thus shaping my life.

Emotions are the realm of my inner workings.

The inner world is a maze of complicated circuitry

requiring skill and constant regulation and maintenance, or else … problems

ensue.

It is a crucial job of parents to teach youngsters to do

this early in life.

However, if parents are not present or they are unaware

or ill-informed, this vital lesson is not taught.

Would we put an untrained eight-year-old in charge of a

nuclear reactor?

Why not?

Example.

Eight years old; first day of the school term.

Abandoned in a queue with kids I didn’t know, surrounded by strangers and noise on unfamiliar school grounds.

Feeling alone, frightened, confused and very vulnerable.

Fighting a zillion urges.

These feelings are unpleasant; how to cope with them?

Push them down; 

Survival mode.

I settled in and made new friends, but those initial

moments took their toll.

I had been distressed, and my inner world was disturbed.

Trauma.

At that point, I began carrying a small package of

suppressed and, therefore, unprocessed emotions.

Negative energy fizzing away gently beneath my surface ..

ebbing into my reactions and choices.

Needing triage but hidden from view.

Healing happens when I sit with

the feelings I have hitherto ignored.

It takes an indeterminate amount of time. 

My feelings insist upon acknowledgement and that I listen

to their message before agreeing to be dismissed.

Some of these have waited half a century! I cannot help

but respect their resoluteness and faithfulness to their mission.

Unearthing the song lines of my past takes patience,

quiet and stillness.

It requires intention.

Finding the entry points of injury is tricky.

I start by bringing to mind situations which alarm me

today, like public speaking, being alone, or worrying about work, the house or

my kids.

I consider areas to which I have attachments, like body

image, relationships, and possessions.

I question and probe.

I observe any feelings which arise.

I wait to see if any memories bubble gingerly, dimly to

the surface.

I follow the breadcrumbs.

Brigadoon.

History revisited.

I allow the memories and feelings to form.

It is uncomfortable again.

I acknowledge their existence.

I feel the feelings.

I interpret their message, their warning, and their

complaint.

I stay planted in the here and now to view the past safely

through the lens of today.

I thank the feelings for their service and surrender them

to God.

I write.

I have made adjustments.

I return to the present and enjoy the life welling within me.

Not easy, but worth the investment.