I feel much more comfortable sharing my successes than I do my struggles.

And yet it is, often, in my weakness and vulnerability that I can probably hope to make a better connection.

Day 49.

A successful day; in that, I didn’t drink. (And I really CELEBRATE that!!)

A day of strength. On the surface.

Beneath, there was weakness also.

The day included lunch in a lovely restaurant in Soho with my dear friend Mike.

What’s not to love?

Heading into town, toward an afternoon of indulging in friendship and food (two of my favourites!), I had butterflies in my tummy.

They evolved swiftly into a distinct feeling of sickness, where I genuinely wondered if I was ill.

I was feeling uneasy about something.

OK. Time to practice some of my newly acquired skills.

I tried meditating first; Then, being fully present; Then, praying; Finally, reaching inward, to my feelings.

Nada. Zilch. Nothing.

I was very uncomfortable.

I considered turning back.

In desperation, I returned to my feelings again and tried calling out every and any I could think of (quietly, to myself, of course).

Just as I was about to give up, I happened upon the word ‘Control’ and felt a jolt of recognition.

I pursued this line of inquiry.

In the end, I concluded that I was worried about being out-flanked by alcohol in a way that I was unable to predict, and therefore unable to control.

I was feeling exposed and unsafe.

Crazy! But you tell that to my subconscious.

Was I a man or a mouse?

I felt weak, pathetic, and possibly even ashamed.

This wobbly demeanour was comfortably hidden behind my well-practiced veneer of suave sophistication.

It was time for my conscious mind to reassure my inner woosy.

I told myself that I was more than capable of protecting against a threat. That I was strong, and a safe pair of hands. I thought about my skills and strengths and promised myself security.

Bizarrely it worked.

No one on that train would have had the slightest idea that I was having this challenging inner discussion. I wonder how many other people were having similar secret turmoil?


Be honest and follow the crumbs