I feel much more comfortable sharing my successes than I do my struggles.
And yet it is, often, in my weakness and vulnerability that I can probably hope to make a better connection.
Day 49.
A successful day; in that, I didn’t drink. (And I really CELEBRATE that!!)
A day of strength. On the surface.
Beneath, there was weakness also.
The day included lunch in a lovely restaurant in Soho with my dear friend Mike.
What’s not to love?
Heading into town, toward an afternoon of indulging in friendship and food (two of my favourites!), I had butterflies in my tummy.
They evolved swiftly into a distinct feeling of sickness, where I genuinely wondered if I was ill.
I was feeling uneasy about something.
OK. Time to practice some of my newly acquired skills.
I tried meditating first; Then, being fully present; Then, praying; Finally, reaching inward, to my feelings.
Nada. Zilch. Nothing.
I was very uncomfortable.
I considered turning back.
In desperation, I returned to my feelings again and tried calling out every and any I could think of (quietly, to myself, of course).
Just as I was about to give up, I happened upon the word ‘Control’ and felt a jolt of recognition.
I pursued this line of inquiry.
In the end, I concluded that I was worried about being out-flanked by alcohol in a way that I was unable to predict, and therefore unable to control.
I was feeling exposed and unsafe.
Crazy! But you tell that to my subconscious.
Was I a man or a mouse?
I felt weak, pathetic, and possibly even ashamed.
This wobbly demeanour was comfortably hidden behind my well-practiced veneer of suave sophistication.
It was time for my conscious mind to reassure my inner woosy.
I told myself that I was more than capable of protecting against a threat. That I was strong, and a safe pair of hands. I thought about my skills and strengths and promised myself security.
Bizarrely it worked.
No one on that train would have had the slightest idea that I was having this challenging inner discussion. I wonder how many other people were having similar secret turmoil?
TOP TIP:
Be honest and follow the crumbs