Some say that the opposite of addiction is connection.
(If I don’t connect to some-one, I will connect to some-thing)
Whilst it is undoubtedly true that Cannabis became my companion, alcohol my comforter, and Nicotine my aid de camps, as with all things Human, there is more to this menage-a-quatre than initially meets the eye.
Understanding the mechanics of a machine is critical to fixing or dismantling it.
A complex interplay of factors beneath our surface shapes our actions and decisions.
Feelings
Humans need to be in ‘Tribe’ with each other.
Our autonomic system considers relationships with others as essential as eating and breathing.
We are loaded with inner tech to help achieve this.
We read each other’s body changes and can detect the slightest twitch in a facial muscle or the hint of pupil dilation.
We have mirror neurons that modulate their activity based on the actions of another. For example, our leg muscles contract in rhythm with the athletes on TV as we seek to connect with what we are watching.
Behind the late-night presentation preparation is the hope to impress the boss.
We are always looking for connection
We desire to know and be known.
Our subconscious is constantly vigilant, and if it perceives a problem, it releases robust chemical countermeasures into our system, which we experience as uncomfortable feelings.
Feelings arrest our attention and motivate us to take action.
- Hunger – Eat
- Thirst – Drink
- Lonely – Connect
Do not underestimate the potency of these deeply unpleasant emotions.
They need to be harsh to draw us out of the relative safety of our caves and into the wilderness to forage for food, drink, and friends.
Trauma
Trauma is an adverse and intense event(s) that we experience as deeply distressing at the time, and that can have a lasting effect on us.
It is not the sole province of war, sexual molestation, earthquake and violence – It can be anything that we find profoundly and shockingly disturbing.
Here’s the thing about trauma: Our rational brain might try to write it off because:
- It isn’t just me
- It’s no big deal.
- Others aren’t bothered by such.
- It was a long time ago.
- I should put on my big-boy pants.
But if our subconscious does not agree, it takes measures to protect itself.
Aspects of our inner being where feelings are processed can consequently get stuck.
We can lose the ability to assess danger accurately. We can become over-sensitive or numb.
Our relational abilities can become impaired.
Fear, trust and shame can push us down and away from others.
We may retain the ability to appear engaged in social interaction by attending functions and being seen laughing and talking, but if the connection beneath the surface is lost, we will not form the bond.
Our autonomic system will notice and naively continue to release its countermeasures in a vain attempt to nudge us back on track.
More big unpleasant feelings.
(The hunger pains of connection try to move us back towards ‘who we are’—part of a tribe—bonded, united, fused, whole and safe).
Emotional pain is excruciating, unbearable and exhausting.
The trap is sprung. We need but cannot meet that need.
.The painful emotions intended to be our rescuer become the more immediate assailant.
If we aren’t aware that the problem is internal and that the only remedy to an internal problem is an internal cure, then we may reach for outside things to distract us from the pain.
Sex, food, extended work hours, holidays, possessions, money, power and, of course, the dulling comfort of sedating the whole system using drugs and alcohol.
Enter…
Addiction
Addiction arrives with a raft of additional and more immediate problems, and we soon forget all about the underlying trauma.
Our world moves to be wholly occupied with surviving the torrential rapids and the constant challenges and ultimata deluged on us by our demanding new life companion, addiction.
We are further hampered by the isolation of our inability to form healthy connections with others.
Hell.
Recovery
For those of us in sobriety, we eventually find a way out of the addiction cycle, where we immediately feel the overwhelming joy of release and freedom.
Warning/Opportunity
Addiction is at least a two-stage problem.
It began as the remedy for the underlying issue before it dominated our landscape.
Recovery begins by taking us back to the fork in the road, where we chose addiction over healing.
This is our A Christmas Carol moment when Scrooge wakes up to a second chance.
The work
If I want to be well within and give myself a chance at a fulfilled life, there is no avoiding addressing the root(s) of the problem – The initial trauma and my initial reaction to it.
We ‘do the work’.
Scary, but like anything lurking in the shadows, our imagination makes it more frightening than it is. The bark is always worse than the bite.
Top tip
We’re worth the effort, and so is the outcome.